Blink Page 11

  I want him next to me, to rest my head on his chest and listen to his heartbeat. Flynn’s smirking at me as I struggle to form any sort of response. “Don’t you give me that look! I know you can do it. If you really want to, then you’ll tell me what it is you need.”

  “Sit.” There, I did it. The word’s out there. It’s quiet and mumbled, my voice scratchy and broken, but I spoke, told him what I wanted. Yet still he’s standing there just grinning at me.

  “Sorry, I didn’t catch that. What did you say?” he chuckles.

  My voice is stronger this time, less croaky. “Sit.” I tap the bed again, indicating for him to sit down with me.

  “You want me to sit. On the chair? Okay, I can do that, but you know, you need to work on asking nicely.” He winks at me as he lowers himself down into the chair beside me. He’s tormenting me and he knows I know.

  “Bed,” I say more firmly than I intend to.

  “Demanding much?” Flynn stands, sizing up the space on the bed next to me. I’m dressed and laid on top of the covers, thanks to Nurse Smarty Pants, and there’s just enough space, I reckon, for him to fit next to me. It’ll be tight, but hey, I’m not complaining. He held me in his arms a few days ago while he transferred me to the wheelchair. I’m not about to miss an opportunity to be that close to him again.

  The bed dips as he climbs on, positioning himself next to me. I lift my head and he drops his arm around my shoulders. As I lay my head against his chest, I can indeed hear his heart beating rhythmically. I pray to God he can’t hear mine. It would betray just how happy I am right now, and it’s beating out a military tattoo, thump-thump-thumping in my chest.

  “You know, technically, this isn’t sitting with you. It’s more of a lying down, snuggling sort of thing. I wasn’t aware that we’d reached snuggling yet, but I’m not complaining.” His other arm reaches across me, hugging me to him.

  “Shush.” My arm snakes across his waist. I intend to make as much of this snuggling thing as I can.

  “Whoa! You really are going all out today with the surprises, aren’t you? That reminds me, I told you I had a surprise for you…” Flynn untangles himself from me to reach his bag, and I feel uneasy, not only at losing the contact with him, but because I thought that was part of my dream, a memory from my accident. It must have been Flynn. I’m so desperate to remember the whole accident. I need to have first-hand knowledge of what happened to me, not just a video reminder that my family showed me.

  “Here, I found this for you. It’s kinda old, but it works. I put new batteries in.” He’s placed an old radio on my table and switched it on. The music drifts out from the old crackly speaker. “The sound isn’t great, but I thought you could listen to it when I’m not here. I’ve tuned it in to the usual stations. I can change them though, if you want me to.”

  He settles back in beside me, allowing me to wrap myself around him again.

  “Thanks.” The words come easier now.

  He kisses my forehead and my eyes slide shut. I lie with him in comfortable silence for such a long time, just listening to the music and the beat of his heart.

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  Flynn

  Session number six of my enforced group therapy is today. It’s also the day that Rose has her operation. Jacob didn’t want to go to school. Instead he hoped to spend the day at the hospital, waiting for Rose to come out of theatre. Convincing him that she’d only be in there for an hour or so and then would need to rest was hard work. He’s a stubborn kid at times. It’s one of the few traits we both inherited from our mother. He left the house at his usual time this morning, after I promised him we could visit the hospital later. Somehow, I just can’t stop checking my phone though. It wouldn’t surprise me if the school rang to say he’d skipped out on them. The doctor said Rose should be fine to come home tomorrow, assuming the surgery goes to plan, but Jacob wont rest until he’s seen her. Awake, but more importantly, alive.

  I haven’t told Jacob yet, but I’ve put sheets on Mum’s old bed and cleaned the bathroom—well, if you can call squirting bleach down the toilet and running a wet cloth around cleaning. It was hard going in Mum’s room. I know Jay spends a lot of time in her room, but me, I just can’t face it usually. The memory of watching her die in there still haunts me to this day, but I know Mum would like us to help Rose, so I’m going to try to convince her to stay with us for a few days at least. It’s about time I stepped up to the plate, and not just for my brother’s sake either. Rose needs us now. She has nobody else.

  My mind’s all over the place this morning. Concentrating on the drivel that this guy is spouting about restorative justice is proving damn near impossible. Perhaps I should have taken Jacob’s advice and gotten a doctor’s note, excusing me from today’s session. Right now, getting my brother from school and hotfooting it to the hospital to see Rose is suddenly way more appealing than this.

  As if on cue, my phone vibrates against my thigh. I fish it from my pocket and see the school’s number light up the screen like a Christmas tree. Shit, now I have to ask permission to answer the damn thing. Heather’s watching me like a hawk as I press the button to send it to voicemail. Trying to make myself small, I sneak out to the side, indicating to Heather I need to speak to her.

  Once the door closes firmly behind us, Heather raises her eyebrows in disdain at me. “This had better be good, Flynn.” Resisting the urge to just shrug and telling to take a hike, I explain the situation with my brother and that I have to call school back, maybe even leave for the day.

  Countering her comment about my attendance on this course being mandatory barring an emergency or my own death, I say, “It’s kind of an emergency, wouldn’t you say? I’m pretty sure having a missing brother counts as a bona fide emergency.”

  “Fine, return the call, but I swear—”

  Too late. I’ve turned my back on her now, my phone held to my ear as I listen for the dialling tone. When someone finally answers, I breathe a sigh of relief.

  “Hi, I’m Jacob Sullivan’s brother. I think you’ve been trying to get hold of me?”

  Twenty minutes later and I’m in Jacob’s classroom. Turns out he hadn’t done a runner after all, just managed to trash the classroom. Gazing around the room, open-mouthed, I’m speechless at the devastation my little brother has caused. Red paint is splashed across all the displays, tables are overturned, and the teacher is a quivering mess. She’s dabbing at her eyes with a wad of soggy tissues, plucking one after another out of the box on her desk. She must be all of twenty-five years old, just out of education herself. One angry twelve-year-old has managed to reduce her to that? I’m guessing she’s in the wrong job.

  The Head teacher dismisses her and addresses me directly. “As you can see, Flynn, it’s probably for the best if Jacob stays home for a few days. We cannot be seen to condone this kind of behaviour from our students. Jacob will be excluded for the rest of the week. You’ll need to attend a meeting here on Monday morning with the Head of Year and myself. We’ll decide then on the best course of action for Jacob.”

  “You’re expelling him? For a week? Yeah, ‘cause that always works, doesn’t it! Right, okay. Where is he?”

  “Jacob is in the isolation unit. We have a male teacher supervising him. You know we can’t take this lightly, Flynn. Follow me, I’ll show you the way.”

  “Whatever. I think I could find it with my eyes shut. I spent enough time in there.”

  Pushing the isolation room door open, I’m instantly transported back to the horror of my school days. I’m also confronted by a red-eyed, puffy-faced little kid. He looks so small, sitting with his arms folded across the top of his school bag. He’s obviously been crying, and I feel like shit for sending him today now. He doesn’t speak, just sits there waiting for someone to tell him what to do. I didn’t realise Rose’s situation had affected him so badly.

  “Let’s go, buddy.” I nod my head towards the door as I speak. I need to get him out of here, away from thi
s room, this school. It makes me feel uncomfortable just being in this room again. I spent pretty much my whole time at high school in this room. It’s not my best memory. They had no clue how to deal with me back then, and it looks like they haven’t learnt anything either.

  Without moving from his seat or meeting my gaze, he asks, “Are you…mad?”

  A small laugh escapes me. “It would be hard not to be, really, but I’m not mad at you. C’mon, we’ll talk on the way to the hospital. They rang to say Rose is out of theatre.”

  His face crumples as he stands to join me in the doorway. “They’re gonna tell Pete, aren’t they?” He runs the sleeve of his jumper under his nose, leaving a transparent trail up his arm.

  “Probably, yeah.” I know for a fact they’ve already rung our social worker, because I’ve already had the phone call, but Jacob doesn’t need the worry of knowing that just now. He’ll just fret about the consequences of Pete being informed that he’s gone off the rails too now, just like me. I can imagine Pete’s smug face when we attend the meeting on Monday. I bet he’s lining up the foster care right now.

  Well, over my dead body will they take Jacob from me. If Pete wants to fight over it, I’m ready. Jacob is going nowhere, not if I have anything to do with it.

  “Flynn?” It’s almost a whisper.

  “Yeah?”

  “I’m sorry.”

  “I know.” Taking his bag from him, I throw it over my shoulder and guide him out of the building. There’s nothing else to say. He needs a brother, not a lecture.

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  Harper

  The words are getting easier to speak now, although I haven’t spoken to anyone other than Flynn yet. The physiotherapist almost caught me humming along to the radio Flynn gave me earlier. It was a close call, but luckily he was whistling too loudly when he entered my room this morning. That was enough to drown out a herd of cattle, so thankfully my humming went unnoticed.

  I’ve decided to be a little more co-operative with my physio, even practised the exercises he does with my limbs daily, in private. My arms and hands are now starting to feel like they belong to me, but my legs have got some catching up to do. The alien feeling persists in my legs, but the yearning to feel the tiled floor beneath my feet is becoming more desperate day by day.

  I want to stand. I want to walk again. I want to live my life, not spend it in this clinical environment, alive but barely breathing.

  For the first time since my accident, I actually think I may want to get better. Not for my parents, or for the doctors who must be sick of the sight of me now, but I want to do it for me. I think I’m ready to face up to him. To face up to what I’ve allowed to happen for years now, because it is my fault it’s happening, it’s my fault he continues doing those vile things to me. I know that everyone is going to blame me and believe that I encouraged it.

  Since meeting Flynn, I feel stronger, more able to cope with the repercussions when everyone finds out what I’ve done. If it means having to stand on my own two feet, then so be it. My father is going to be so disappointed in me. All of the plans we made for my racing future went up in smoke with my car when I crashed it.

  Everyone keeps calling what happened to me an accident. Just lately though, I’ve been losing sleep thinking about that day, desperate to remember all the fine details. Certain parts are as clear as day, others are just as clear as mud. One thing I’m becoming more certain about though, is that I’m not entirely sure it was an accident. What I can’t decipher is just exactly what I mean by that statement. Was my car tampered with? Or did I crash into the barrier on purpose? I hate the fuzziness that surrounds that day. The fog remains thick in my brain, and the more I try to think about the details, the foggier everything becomes.

  “Arrgh!” I growl out in frustration at my inability to recall the finer details.

  Flynn takes that moment to pop his head around my door. “What was that noise? Are you okay?”

  The heat flushes up my neck, spreading across my cheeks and causing them to glow in embarrassment. How does he always manage to do that? I wasn’t expecting to see him today. I know his neighbour is due home from the hospital today. He should be going straight home to take care of his brother, not spending time with me, but I can’t help the excitement that spreads through my veins every time I hear his voice.

  The connection I feel with him is frightening. I haven’t felt this close to anybody. Ever.

  I just wish he felt the same way about me. I know he only visits to pass the time until he has to get home to his brother. He doesn’t think I’ve seen the tag on his ankle either. I’m waiting for him to tell me his story, but it’s getting harder with every day that passes. The need to know everything about him runs bone deep with me.

  I want to know the whole Flynn, even the skeletons from every cupboard he’s hiding them in, and I know he has skeletons. It takes one broken soul to seek out another.

  “That’s better. I thought someone was trying to kill you. I was ready to go all ninja on their ass!” The wink he offers me sends goose bumps across my flesh.

  “Hi,” I almost whisper as he settles himself on the bed beside me. He’s taken to this snuggling just as much as I have. As he crosses his ankles, his jeans ride up his leg, exposing the tag. He knows I’ve seen it and rushes to cover it with his clothing.

  “Don’t.” My hand has found his, halting his desperate urge to cover the offending accessory. The silence stretches between us. It’s the first time, since we started spending time together, that the quietness feels awkward. I can see the internal struggle he’s trying to deal with. He thinks I’ll judge him for his past. How could I do that? It’s his past that’s made him who he is today.

  If only he knew my secret. He’d be the one doing the judging.

  “I’m not that person anymore. The tag? It isn’t who I am now. That’s the old ‘me’. I made a few stupid mistakes, but…” His voice is thick with emotion as he struggles to find the words he needs to explain. “I suppose you deserve to know just what type of person it is that you’re spending time with.” His eyes refuse to meet my gaze. He’s looking directly at the tag that remains exposed around his ankle, as though it holds some kind of key to all his problems.

  The need to reassure him is burning a hole right through my heart. Grasping his hand in mine, squeezing his fingers tightly, I try to let him know that it’s okay.

  “When my mum died, it was up to me to take care of my brother. I was just a kid, with no clue how to take care of myself, let alone Jacob. But I’d promised, I gave my word, that we would stay together, no matter what. We didn’t get any help, just some do-gooder social worker sticking his nose in every time I screwed up. Which I did, a lot.” Pushing himself up and off my bed, Flynn wanders across to the window. Staring outside, he’s still unable to look at me. “It’s been hard. I haven’t done a great job with my brother. I’m surprised he’s not in some correctional unit with me in the next cell. I suppose I have the social worker to thank for that, at least.”

  I want so desperately to say something comforting to him, to make his obvious pain go away, but I can’t. And anyway, what could I possibly say that would make up for the pain of losing his mother? Instead, I watch him, taking in every little detail about him. The way his shoulders are hunched up around his ears, the tension in his face as he clenches and unclenches his jaw. It’s heartbreaking, and I wish I hadn’t pushed for him to open up to me. It’s me who’s caused his current pain. My need to get to know him inside out has opened up old wounds for him.

  “Flynn.”

  He turns to face me, finally. His fingers tucked in his front pockets, he leans back against the window sill, crossing his legs at his ankles. “You deserve the truth. I should’ve told you ages ago. It’s just not something I choose to tell people about. They tend to judge me by my appearance and the tag, rightly so, I guess.” His hands are now rubbing furiously at the back of his neck, the emotion obvious across his face. “But
I guess you’re not like most people.” He chuckles, but his laughter soon subsides and is quickly replaced with angst. “I’m not making excuses for what I’ve done, Harper, but it was hard to provide even the basics for my brother. Food, clothes, just the regular things he needs, they don’t come easy when you don’t have any money. So, I stole from stores—never people, just stores—sold the goods on to make some quick cash. They can afford to take the hit. A victimless crime, my lawyer called it. But there’s always a victim where crime is concerned. Someone always gets hurt in the end. This time it was Jacob. I hurt my brother by being the guy I was. He deserves better from me, and that’s what I’m trying to be now, a better person. I’m trying to be what Jacob needs me to be.”

  Flynn watches me intently, looking for some sign of repugnance from me. Well, he isn’t going to get that from me. I’ve been lucky. We never went without anything growing up, but that doesn’t mean I can’t imagine how difficult his life has been.

  “Do you want me to stop visiting you? Now you know what I am, do you want me to leave you alone?”

  For one small second, I consider my life without Flynn in it, and it’s unbearable. I don’t condone what he’s done, but I understand why he did it. My head shakes violently, left to right. I can’t survive in here without Flynn. I’ve come to depend on his visits. If he stops visiting me, well, I’m not sure how I’ll cope.

  “It’s definitely my past. I’m done with all that shit. Jacob is my future.” He looks full of remorse as he answers me. “Jacob and you, I hope. You make me want to be a better person. You make everything better, Harper.”